Advice from a PSN Spendthrift: 5 Things not to buy

I love the PlayStation Store, and have spent a lot of money on it. But fun, innovative games are not the only things you can buy on PSN; you can also buy some proper shit that will take your money and boot you right in the bollocks in return. I have spent my own money on such digital products, and I am writing this cautionary article in the hope that none of you do the same. Also, I felt the blog needed some negativity, as it currently appears that I love everything.

        1.   Linger in Shadows

This was one of my earliest PSN purchases, before I had learnt to take notice of synopses and user ratings. I had a couple of quid left in my PSN wallet, and the title was intriguing, so why not? Expecting some kind of exciting stealthy adventure, I promptly downloaded it, and what did I get? ‘Interactive Art’ featuring steampunk cityscapes and giant cats. For real.

2.   Hero of Sparta

A God of War-esque experience on the minis platform for a mere £3? Here, take my money, why has nobody done this before? Because it is not a viable concept, as proven by the broken abomination that is Hero of Sparta. You take control of a man who looks suspiciously like the protagonist from 300, and whack angry monsters with a large sword. For a game supposedly centred around being a badass killer, it is a strange design decision to allow you to play it as a complete pacifist, running through without killing anything. Still, considering how unsatisfying the combat is, this is probably the best way to play it. Attempting to replicate a game based so much on spectacle with the 100mb size limit of the minis platform and the small budget of an indie developer was crazy, but I didn’t consider this before purchase. I’ve told you now, so you can come to this conclusion without having to think or spend money. You’re welcome.

3.   Robin Hood: The Return of Richard

Another mini, this time with a much more exciting concept – Robin Hood! The Robin Hood universe and mythology lend themselves beautifully to the world of videogames, what with all that horse riding, archery and sword fighting that Robin gets up to. A mini featuring Robin Hood should be exciting then, right? Especially seeing as it’s one of the more expensive minis, at £3.99? No, it’s not exciting. It’s a first person archery game where nasty men run from either side of the screen, and you have to direct your crosshair over them with the analogue stick, and fire an arrow at them with X, occasionally pressing O to reload. It can occasionally be fun, and it’s nowhere near as flat-out terrible as Hero of Sparta, but it is just so dull and devoid of personality that it warrants a place on this list. Add to that a shocking waste of an exciting license and a Looney-Tunes price tag, this is in no way an appealing prospect. Considering you can buy a number of full PSN games including the excellent Calling all Cars and Tank Battles, and PS1 classics such as best game ever Crash Bandicoot 2 for the same price, nobody in the world should be spending their four pounds on this.

4.   Dragon’s Lair

This is barely a game. Impressive at the time, but completely irrelevant today. I don’t care that Dirk Daring is a gaming icon, or that Dragon’s Lair was a landmark arcade game back in the day, what I care about is that I just spent EIGHT POUNDS on a tedious twenty-minute quick time event. It makes me a little sick just to think about it. Eight pounds. What was I thinking? It’s too soon, it still hurts. Just please tell me you won’t buy this game, OK? It’ll make it all worth it. I can’t even offer any more proper arguments; just look at what this game has reduced me to – pleading with my imaginary readers on a blog that nobody ever reads to not buy this game. Just don’t.

5.   Any avatar or theme

Having Manfred form Heavy Rain as my avatar does not increase my gaming ability, and that dynamic lightning theme doesn’t make Hero of Sparta half-decent, so why did I buy them? Why did I buy things for a gaming console that in no way improve my gaming experience? I honestly have no idea. They have enriched my life in no way whatsoever. It costs 20p for an avatar, which isn’t too distressing, but that dynamic theme cost me £1.59! And I don’t even use it, preferring a stationary image as my background. Trust me; you are missing out on nothing by having a PS3 background that doesn’t move, or a standard avatar.